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Dear friend,

I don't know what is happening to me. I don't know how to write or even worse I have absolutely no idea how to construct a sentence. It's like my intelligence is being sucked out of my system and I no longer can function normally. I can't write and it's making me crazy. My love for words tops my love for any other human being. I love words, languages, and literature. And do you know how much it hurts me when I can't write. I'm not saying that I was a good writer before. No. All I'm saying that even before I couldn't write as well Jane Austen or Dickens of the sort, I was good at forming a sentence. I can't even tweet. I can't write. I know that I shouldn't be comparing myself with other professional writer but I can't help it. I tried a lot of things but nothing seems to be working. It hurts so much not being able to fucking do what you enjoy doing. Writing is the only thing that can make me really happy and even that is being taken away from me. I am not complaining, I'm so grateful for everything but I'm just so frustrated with myself. I am done.

Benedict,

Oh how I love you so. You don't know of my existence but I love you still. Thanks for making me happy but also fuck you for ruining my fucking life. I am done with you too. Absolutely done. I hope die. I'm kidding. Please get out of my life. I can't handle getting my heart broken by someone who doesn't even know that they're breaking somebody's heart. That's so pathetic. I love you and all I ever wanted is for you to be happy. Go find a girlfriend you bastard. Be happy. Smile more. Don't be an asshole.


I am done.

Reminiscing

-even though i cant be there in person, ill alwys be thr 4u as a fren,  not letting u go, promise kept.
-if i really do care, this is 4 the best, not for me but u.
-its not tht i dont care, dont get me wrong, i do not hv a choice
-its not easy 4 me, but this is the only way.
-ill come bck 4u.. i dont know whn, but i will for sure
-promise i made, i knw it seems impossible, but trust me, ill  make it work.
-tired, nites~ miss u
                                                                                                                                                                  
These are the words someone once gave to me. Fast forward to two years later, nothing has changed. Everything remains the same. We haven't spoken to each other for two years. Not dwelling just reminiscing. 

T, wherever you are now I hope you're happy. I am happy here ( thanks for not asking). 

Sincerely,
A 

 p.s here's a cake for you...

Letting go.

Well it's been awhile. I feel like writing something though I am well aware of my lack of vocabulary and stuff. Look, I just did it. "And stuff" how original of me. I have no draft. I have no intention of writing this blog post to let others know what is going through my mind right now. I have no idea where is this going. Nope. Still no idea. What did I log in in the first place. Nope. I'm listening to Sigur Rós. Ha. Yes I just copied their last name from Google because I have absolutely no idea how to do the letter O with the thing. You know THAT thing. 

 

 I think it's finally coming. Ooops. Not what you thinkin', pervert. The idea. It's coming. The reason why I logged in. I'm serious. I don't know. Oh yeah. You know my past ( I am assuming you know me well enough to know what my past was)... I finally realized that all I wanted was attention. Yup, gotta admit it that I'm one of those girls. All I wanted was for someone to care enough to let me know that I am worth it. My family did and I did not believe them. What a mistake it was. I think this is just a thing I'm feeling but I think that yes - all I wanted was attention. I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone ( a guy, obvs) to love a girl like me - a girl with mental illness ( beginning to think that it was self-diagnosed), scars, messed up life. I wanted someone to love the idea of loving a messed up girl. I wanted him to save me. I couldn't even save myself, how do I expect someone to save me? That is the question I still struggle to answer. Such is life.

Yes, I was a cutter. Not that cutter. I cut myself and I would do anything to turn back time to slap 17 year old me in the face so hard I'd be paralyzed for life for being so stupid, for leaving scars on my perfect ( and fabulous) body. I was alone and I turned to my then bestfriend Mr Razor. At one point of my life I would cut because I was so happy. Actual quote from yours truly. No really I did say that on my journal that is. I would do anything to be happy. To feel whole again even if it means to slit open my own skin and see my own blood dripping. It was a pleasure for me to see it. Weird. But that was me. 

That was 2012. Almost 2 years ago. 2013 will be ending in just a few days. How time flies and how much I've changed. Boy, do I change a lot. I'm so much wiser now. I am so much more happier! I no longer let people's words define me. I am my own person and I'm happy. I'm fat but who the fuck cares. I am happy. Remember when I said about I would do anything to feel whole again? Yes, I finally achieved that. Not as perfect as I would want it to be but still good enough for me to continue my life with a smile on my face. As for my love life - well let's just say that I am single and ready to mingle hahhaha. Oh shite. No, what I really meant was that I don't go looking for love. If it happens, it happens. I'm not waiting for it - I want to enjoy my life, be the best person I can be for both my family and friends. Relationships can wait. In novels I prefer the love story to be the subplot rather than the main story. That's how I like my love life to be - a subplot. Not the whole main story. My main story is me enjoying everything that life has to offer. After all, life is short so be cray!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
2014 gon' rock my socks
Yours Truly,
A

"I am like your coffee,
You would die without me,
but you would still live without me
it's the idea of you not having me that would kill you - not me"

Pain.

Sitting in my room, feeling so empty. Empty. Starting college soon and I don't think I'm ready for it. I just don't. My own brother asked me to kill myself. Little did he know, that's what I'm trying to do, its all I can seem to think about; my own death. This pain is killing me. I can't do this anymore. I've had enough. Yes, I'm well aware that someone has it worse, that my problems are so small, but it still hurts. It hurts me enough to make me think of ending my own life. She asked me what do I want? what am I trying to prove of doing this. I am not trying to prove anything. I just want to be happy. I don't want to feel as lonely as I am now. I want the old me back, the happy, the loud me that I used to know before. I'm losing myself each day. I don't even know who I am anymore. My therapist told me that I'm an introvert. That I'm reserved. That was not who I was before. Things have changed. And I'm changing into the worst person I've known. Pain does that to people.