Letting go.

Well it's been awhile. I feel like writing something though I am well aware of my lack of vocabulary and stuff. Look, I just did it. "And stuff" how original of me. I have no draft. I have no intention of writing this blog post to let others know what is going through my mind right now. I have no idea where is this going. Nope. Still no idea. What did I log in in the first place. Nope. I'm listening to Sigur Rós. Ha. Yes I just copied their last name from Google because I have absolutely no idea how to do the letter O with the thing. You know THAT thing. 

 

 I think it's finally coming. Ooops. Not what you thinkin', pervert. The idea. It's coming. The reason why I logged in. I'm serious. I don't know. Oh yeah. You know my past ( I am assuming you know me well enough to know what my past was)... I finally realized that all I wanted was attention. Yup, gotta admit it that I'm one of those girls. All I wanted was for someone to care enough to let me know that I am worth it. My family did and I did not believe them. What a mistake it was. I think this is just a thing I'm feeling but I think that yes - all I wanted was attention. I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone ( a guy, obvs) to love a girl like me - a girl with mental illness ( beginning to think that it was self-diagnosed), scars, messed up life. I wanted someone to love the idea of loving a messed up girl. I wanted him to save me. I couldn't even save myself, how do I expect someone to save me? That is the question I still struggle to answer. Such is life.

Yes, I was a cutter. Not that cutter. I cut myself and I would do anything to turn back time to slap 17 year old me in the face so hard I'd be paralyzed for life for being so stupid, for leaving scars on my perfect ( and fabulous) body. I was alone and I turned to my then bestfriend Mr Razor. At one point of my life I would cut because I was so happy. Actual quote from yours truly. No really I did say that on my journal that is. I would do anything to be happy. To feel whole again even if it means to slit open my own skin and see my own blood dripping. It was a pleasure for me to see it. Weird. But that was me. 

That was 2012. Almost 2 years ago. 2013 will be ending in just a few days. How time flies and how much I've changed. Boy, do I change a lot. I'm so much wiser now. I am so much more happier! I no longer let people's words define me. I am my own person and I'm happy. I'm fat but who the fuck cares. I am happy. Remember when I said about I would do anything to feel whole again? Yes, I finally achieved that. Not as perfect as I would want it to be but still good enough for me to continue my life with a smile on my face. As for my love life - well let's just say that I am single and ready to mingle hahhaha. Oh shite. No, what I really meant was that I don't go looking for love. If it happens, it happens. I'm not waiting for it - I want to enjoy my life, be the best person I can be for both my family and friends. Relationships can wait. In novels I prefer the love story to be the subplot rather than the main story. That's how I like my love life to be - a subplot. Not the whole main story. My main story is me enjoying everything that life has to offer. After all, life is short so be cray!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
2014 gon' rock my socks
Yours Truly,
A