“You’re going to discover that conversations are best at 4am. The heavier the eyelids, the sincerer the words. Those are the talks you’ll remember. It’s ok not to know the answer and silence is not awkward. It’s shared, so share it more often than not.” - Jeff Stuckel

How ironic. The longest we've gone to text was till 4am or more. The memories, great memories with him just keep on hunting me each day. Tired of this. Most importantly; I just want to know when all these pain will end. I can't get over him. Scratch that, I can, I just don't know how to. There's no manual to it. Every song I heard, every words spoken, everything I see - reminds me of him. Literally everything. It's funny how my brain actually functioning when it comes to him, reminding me about the littlest thing we've ever did. It sucks, a lot. Knowing that someday he will eventually move on and forget about all the promises he made. Sigh. I don't think he knows how miserable I am now, missing him. Nobody knows about this. I have a pen and a paper to write my feelings, though. I don't find telling people my problems would solve any of these. I just need to get through this. Hoping for me, or my stupid heart to just move on. I can't bare another heartache. I've had enough. It's hard to hear a simplest word now. Like "I miss you". Ha Ha.Who am I kidding. We are forbidden to ever talk to each other, unless there's something important. Yeah right. Whatever.

Sometimes people are so selfish (by sometimes I mean all the time). What can I say. My words are useless. It hurts.

It's midnight now. Cannot sleep. Thinking about things and him, of course. But there's good thing, these things happened to me. I have found my newly obsession. I'm in love with books. I read now. Not that I have never read before. It's just now I began to read even more. I love reading. It somehow brings me to a different new world, where I forget about things that happened in my live, but it doesn't stop my thoughts to think about him. Ugh. If there's any situation that reminds me of him, that is. I once, close my books just to think about my memories with him. They say scorpions are the most loyal sign. I guess it's true, though. Through all the heartache, all the bullshits, all the tears - blood even he has put me through. I still have feelings for him. Not one bit of my feelings has changed. It's kinda lame. All the words above I wrote are cheesy as hell. How embarrassing!

You touched my heart, my soul. My heart was blinded by you. Oh God. I need to stop. He once said I am a keeper. I wonder if all the words he ever said to me was all lies. I wonder. Still wondering. I am so cold now. No longer believe in love. Maybe. I don't know. I hate seeing those love stories. It sickens me to death. Not literally, obviously. I hate to hear those cheesy lines cause it will reminds me of what we used to have. It's kinda funny how we were never been officially together. None of his friends know, okay maybe a couple knows. Whatever. Shit happens.

I shall go now. Making this post only reminds me of how shallow and alone I've gotten, that I seriously need a life. HE'S NOT MY LIFE. I can move on.....